A listening epiphany, the romantic lie & Adam Grant's tips for cold emails
Katrine Tjoelsen
April 14, 2023
đ Hey, yâall,
Three thing you should know, in three minutes or less:
1. A listening epiphany
Despite having studied listening for years, I had an epiphany last week.
I learned it in a coaching class Iâm taking in the Stanford MBA program, where weâre using Co-Active Coaching as the course book.
Most of the time, we listen at Level I.
We hear the words, but then we translate it to what it means for ourselves. âI had that experience,â or âThat made me think ofâŠâ or âWhatâs for lunch?â
The common sense tips for active listening reflect Level II listening.
We keep eye contact. Lean forward and nod. Paraphrase.
When you connect at Level II, itâs as if the message is âI have time for you.â Not just âI have time to address the problemâ but âI have time for you.â
The epiphany?
Thereâs a Level III of listening.
Level III awareness is sometimes described as environmental listening. (âŠ) Is the coacheeâs energy sparking or flat? Is she cool, distant, . . . or on fire? Like a butterfly ready to fly off?
As Iâve started practicing, Iâm seeing how much more there is to notice. Try it out?
2. The romantic lie
We think our desires are our own. That theyâre authentic. That they show who we truly are. But itâs a lie:
This assumption that my desires are all my ownâthis story that I tell myselfâis what the French social scientist RenĂ© Girard calls âThe Romantic Lie.â
We donât choose our desires independently.
The Lie is that I want things independently, or that I choose all of the objects of my desire out of some kind of secret desire chamber in my heartâ that I know a good thing when I see it; that I know whatâs desirable and whatâs not, unaided.
Instead, we want what others want.
Mimetic desire means that we make many of our choices according to the desires of othersâour models.
What does this mean for your career aspirations? What status, material rewards, or promotions, do you want because others want them?
3. How to write an email which gets Adam Grant to reply
Adam Grantâs my hero.
Heâs an organizational psychologist at Wharton, the author of the incredible books Give and Take, Originals, and Think Again, and has 5+ million followers on LinkedIn.
No doubt his inbox gets crowded with random requests.
He wrote the post 6 Ways to Get Me to Email You Back, with timeless advice for writing cold emails that get replies.
The takeaways?
âPerfect the subject lineâ (the best ones offer both utility and intrigue)
âTell them why you chose them: (be specific, really â why them?)
âShow that youâve done your homeworkâ (people are more inclined to help those who have tried to help themselves)
âHighlight uncommon commonalitiesâ (we like those similar to ourselves, and the effect is stronger when we what we share is uncommon)
âMake your request specific, and keep it short and sweetâ
âExpress gratitudeâ (the research is convincing; thank yous make a huge difference)
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PS: Check out all previous posts on https://www.learnwithkat.com/.
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