Trust-Building Communication Techniques From a $200K+ Business Degree
What the Stanford MBA program taught me
Katrine Tjoelsen
June 17, 2023
I’m about to graduate from the two-year Stanford MBA program — a program with a lower acceptance rate than even Harvard Business School.
While I came to Stanford to pivot into a new career, I was surprised by how much I learned about building trusting relationships.
I took one of the most famous electives, popularly called “Touchy Feely”, where I met weekly with thirteen others to talk about feelings.
We were learning how to connect with others.
The communication techniques we learned help you:
Develop deeper relationships
Feel a sense of connection and belonging
Get others to follow you as a leader at work
Collaborate across teams and departments to execute on big projects
Trust-Building Communication Techniques From The $200K+ Stanford MBA Program
Stay on your side of “the net”
“I know you think you look smart when you refer to these books, but…” said a dear friend.
I felt annoyed. What did she know about what I was thinking? I hadn’t said anything about thinking I looked smart.
She had crossed “the net.”
In the Stanford class “Touchy Feely” we learned about three realities: your thoughts, what’s said and done so everyone can see it, and the other person’s thoughts.
You don’t know what others are thinking (reality #3) unless they tell you. Don’t cross that net.
This means:
Comment on what’s been said or done (reality #2)
And share what’s in your head (reality #1),
But ask questions about what the other is thinking (reality #3).
Share your inner dialogue
Just like we don’t know what others are thinking, others don’t know what we’re thinking.
A classmate in my Touchy Feely class said that he couldn’t trust me because he didn’t know what I was thinking. I was so positive all the time that he thought I was hiding something.
One day, I told him that I felt annoyed by something he said. I feared conflict. Worse, I feared he’d dislike me. But he appreciated hearing how I felt. It built trust. He said he wished I shared more negative feelings like that.
If I’d stayed quiet, he could’ve made up a story in his head that I resented him, when in reality I was just a little annoyed.
This means:
Share how you feel. It’s often better than what others fear.
When you’re giving feedback, also state your intention. Explain that you’re sharing feedback because you care and want to help them grow. If not, others might think you’re trying to put them down.
Own your mistakes and negative feelings
My most embarrassing moment in Touchy Feely was when a classmate said I had come across as arrogant, but that “she was sure my comment didn’t actually come from arrogant place.”
Despite her open-mindedness, however, my comment had come from arrogant place. I didn’t dare to admit it because I felt ashamed of thinking that my idea was superior.
One of the course instructors helped me see it differently.
She said that by admitting to a moment of arrogant attitudes, we’re acting with humility and are perceived as less arrogant.
This means:
Own your mistakes
Admit embarrassing feelings, too
Just one caveat: This last technique works great for personal relationships, but be mindful of when you use it in a professional setting. Being too open and vulnerable at work can also leave you exposed to exploitation.
Your Turn
Do you stay on your side of your net?
How much of your inner dialogue do you share?
What’s a small thing you want to do differently from now on?
What Else?
Curious about other lessons from Touchy Feely? Check out the book Connect written by Stanford course instructors.
You may also enjoy my previous post on How to give feedback, because giving feedback is also a trust-building activity
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